How to Fix the Problems of the World in One Easy Step

I propose we ship Donald Trump to Kiribati. Confused? Let me explain.

Kiribati is a small island nation in the South Pacific. It is northeast of Australia and directly south of Hawaii. It has islands lying in the Northern, Southern, Eastern AND Western Hemispheres, and it is the reason that the International Date Line has that funky shape on the southern part. Kiribati is only about 2km wide and an average of 6 feet above sea level…making it the first country which will completely be wiped off of the map as sea levels rise. Check out this awesome interview/TED Talk with the president of Kiribati as he speaks about the challenges his nation faces here. It’s really good – and their president is a pretty cool guy.

You may see where I’m going with this. Kiribati has recently bought some land in the Philippines in case they have to move their entire country because it’s under water. They are also working with Japan to build new, floating islands. That’s where my plan comes in: there is a high chance that even if we do get the entire world to drastically cut back their carbon emissions, Kiribati will still be wiped off of the map in the near future because of the damage we’ve already done. I suggest we:

  1. Ship Trump to Kiribati – Alone. We’ll even make him fly………COACH! (insert dramatic music here.) But won’t that punish the good people of Kiribati, you ask? What did they do to deserve this terrible punishment?
  2. Use Trump’s money to build new islands – We will build new islands and make them climate change-proof. They will use 100% renewable energy, they will rise with the level of the sea and they will be cyclone-proof as well. What the heck, we will throw in a free iPhone for everyone, too. Thanks, Donald! This means he will be stuck on the doomed island all alone.
  3. Make Kiribati Great Again – This will be the project slogan. It will also Make America Great Again since Trump will no longer be in it. Everyone will have new homes, new phones and they will be very happy on their state-of-the-art island. We all will live happily ever after.

Contingency plan: Just in case this plan somehow fails and, worst case scenario, Trump manages to find his way into the White House, I have a back-up plan. Actually, I have to give Megan Amram at The New Yorker credit for this one. She wrote a genius article entitled  Those Fleeing President Trump: Welcome to Canada! where she graciously welcomes all Americans who cannot live under the brutal thumb of The Donald. It’s a really great plan. I would definitely take her up on her offer if I didn’t already move to India. Her article is brilliantly written. I highly suggest it.

The final Republican debate of the year airs tonight – I can’t wait to see what new, racist idea Mr. Trump comes up with this time. Stay tuned. Until then – I will continue to dream of a world where we Make Kiribati Great Again.

 

 

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